Trigger warning for people who suffered from depression!
I decide what's best for my own life.
I am capable of being loved.
I am not the lies my brain may tell me.
I have value and a purpose.
Someone else's beauty or success doesn't take away from my own.
Life is no competition.
I deserve to be proud of my accomplishments.
I need to put myself and my health first.
Mental illness is not a choice.
An illness is nothing to be ashamed of.
The past few month have been rough. I don't know how and why it all started but I'm suffering from depression again. Everything began the weekend before I went to Disneyland. I've been looking forward to it for a whole year and when I was there, something felt odd and wrong. Even though seeing the castle always helped me to forget everything that happened around me, this time, it was impossible for me to relax. Even meeting characters made me feel anxious, a feeling I never experienced before. I didn't want to wait for hours in the princess pavilion, I was afraid what the characters might think of me and that they'll hate me and stuff like this. The only times I truly felt happiness were during my meet and greets and interactions with Rapunzel and Flynn. Time flew by so fast. I was waiting so long for this and now that I think about it, it feels like a waste. After that, I visited my friend Marina - another trip I've been looking forward to a long time. At that time, I didn't want to admit to myself that I have a problem. However, I was very emotional and sensitive. Overthinking was my worst enemy and I couldn't help but feel uneasy. The constant fear of doing something wrong and of disappointing the people around me became worse. Mari and her family are some of the most warm-hearted and welcoming people I know and I'm so grateful that I was able to spend some time with them.Yet, my thoughts became darker. I couldn't help crying the night before I left. And from that day, crying was on the order of the day. My brain kept telling me lies about people who are dear to me, and about myself. Having stress at work, as my mid exams were coming closer, didn't make it any easier. My self hatred grew and at one point, I wasn't able to function like a normal human being anymore. I knew I needed to learn for my exams but I just couldn't do it. My days literally consisted of eating and sleeping. I didn't feel joy anymore. Didn't want to watch Disney movies, didn't want to listen to any music and haven't been to gym in a very long time. When I had to go to work again, I had panic attacks. Trying to act like I was strong while I wanted to scream and shout at the same time was terrible. One of the worst feelings is when you're trying not to cry in public. Lord knows that this doesn't work. At work itself, my situation was terrible. As if I didn't feel horrible enough, I got stabbed in my back by so called friends. At this point, I can say with safety that I reached the bottom. My will to live has never been so low before. That's when I realized - I need to change something. I am 21 years old. I have my whole life in front of me. I have a family that loves me more than anything. I have friends that are counting on me. I have dreams. I don't want to die. So, what happened? I realized, mental illness is no choice - but recovery is.
What happened since then? I went to see a doctor, made plans for the future, visited my brother and his girlfriend in Cologne, I started reading again and went to cinema to watch Mamma Mia! several times. It's been over a week now that I haven't cried. It's just the beginning of a long journey but I have trust in myself that with the help of my loved ones, I can do it. I once defeated this evil and I will defeat it again. And if anyone is wondring why I write such personal things on the Internet, then let me tell you - the answer is easy. I'm not ashamed anymore. It's not my fault that I'm suffering from an illness and I won't hide it any longer.
Quote of the Day: "Time is an illusion that helps things make sense, so we're always living in the present tense. It seems unforgiving when a good thing ends, but you and I will always be back then." -Rebecca Sugar
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