Thinking back, I always had a thing for girls. When I was a child, I never cared for boys. I know, most girls in an early age don't, but it was different somehow. I never had a thing for male characters (except for L from Death Note but he's clearly gay), thinking back I actually think I had a childhood crush on Kim Possible, Will from W.I.T.C.H. and especially Sharpay Evans.
But I think my actual first lesbian experience was when I saw this one speical girl on Myspace. My brother showed her to me, when I was like 12 or 13 or so? She was living in the same city as me and the moment I saw her, something happened. Something that never happened before. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be like her or if I wanted to be with her. I've been following her on literally every social media account she had and I had this special, weird feeling in my chest every time she uploaded a new picture. The years passed and I saw her getting more and more beautiful. Up to this day, I think she's extremely beautiful. One day, I was in the tube and suddenly I saw her. Little Sani thought "now or never" and I'm pretty sure I behaved like an awkward idiot as I didn't really know what to say except that I follow her on Instagram, Lookbook, etc. She must have thought that I'm a stalker, haha. I felt extremely uncomfortable after that and hoped that she forgot about me. I saw her a few times at the train station after that but I would never dare to talk to her again. Time has passed and by now, she lives in another federal state and chances to ever see her again are practically zero. I don't have a crush on her anymore but when I was younger, my, what would I have given to go on a date with her!
When it comes to boys, I do admit, I did have some crushes in my life and guess what? There is nothing wrong with it. We grow up in a heteronormative society and there is probably no girl that comes out of the womb and is aware of her attraction towards females. I did have a boyfriend once (I don't like to think/talk about it - it's the "dark age" of my life, haha) but to be honest, I think if I didn't have one, I might not be as sure as I am about my homosexuality. It just showed me that I'm uncomfortable having a relationship with a male. After I broke up, it was the first time I actually thought about being different. One of the first thing I bought after the break up was a dakimakura with Shimakaze from KanColle. All I wanted was to lay in my bed with a girl by my side. Pathetic, hm? We then went to Poland for vacation and during the car ride, which was around 12 hours long, I couldn't stop thinking about my sexuality. Could it be? Can I be a LESBIAN? Yes, yes you can and yes, you are. I must have been around 16 during that time. Smol Sani thought, it might only be a phase. So she waited. She waited a long time.
I went to a girls high school since 5th grade. The perfect place for a lesbian, you think? Oh lord, let me teach you otherwise. Yes, there were girls I found very attractive, not gonna lie. But the subliminal homophobia has been on the order of the day. Impossible to come out as a lesbian in a catholic girls school. It was in grade 12 or 13 when a girl from my class finally told me that she could imagine having a relationship with girls (or at least a sexual experience), too. I felt relieved. To this day, M., I thank you. Finally, I could drop hints that I can imagine being together with a girl, too. But of course, it was just subtle. I only talked to her about it like two or three times, I think. After all, I still tried to act straight by saying things like "Yeah, young Chris Noth and High Grant are so handsome!!!" and yes, I didn't lie. They are handsome. But every time I say that a guy is good-looking (which barely happens, lmfao) and someone is confused, I compare it to a picture - You can like the look of a painting and view it from the distance, but you don't want to lick it or have it between your legs.
A long time passed after I graduated. At this time, I considered myself a bisexual, as I wanted to leave my options open.
Then, in May 2017 to be precisely, something happened that changed my life completely and my gayness just sky rocked. I'm not going to talk about it on here, after all the Internet doesn't need to know everything about me. In June, I finally made the resolve to drop the bombshell. I didn't do it as it didn't feel right to do it that time. I was waiting for the right moment but it just didn't come. I was afraid to come out to my parents, not gonna lie. I was afraid they might be disappointed. I was afraid they might not love me the way they did before. I had no problem to come out to all of my friends, they were very understanding, supportive and just the best friends you can imagine. And most of them were already expecting it anyways, haha. I love my girls.
So, in October, I collapsed on my mum's shoulders. I couldn't bare it anymore. And of course, all my doubts and fears were unfounded. My parents love me the way I am and they would never be disappointed of me just because I'm attracted to girls. I'm so thankful to have them. Before I came out, mum never cared for LGBT+ topics but now she's passionate about them and I can talk about everything with her. What I appreciate very much is that she doesn't keep it a secret that I'm gay and that she's happy when other people react positively to the "news" (and angry when they don't). Mum's the straight ally every gay person should have. ♥
So, what can I say? Coming out to my surrounding was probably one of the best decisions I ever made. There will always be dickheads, you can't help it, but all in all, I finally found freedom within myself and that's what counts. It was a long, confusing, scary journey but it was worth it.
As it's Pride Month, I'd love to write about more LGBT topics, so if you have any suggestions, you can leave a comment or write me on one of my social media accounts (preferably Twitter).
Now, while we're on it, I'm officially searching a cute lipstick lesbian girlfriend who will disneybound with me in the parks, watch Disney movies with me and cry ugly together, fancies princesses, who loves the couch potato life, doesn't drink and smoke and has hot, dirty sex with me.
Haha, just kidding.
(not really, I'm needy af, rip)
Quote of the Day: "Oh deer, I'm queer." -Unknown